Drink Like a Scorpio: 6 Beverages to Honor Your Inner Goth This Season

Welcome to the first of monthly installments using the zodiac calendar as drinks advisor. Plenty before me have rounded up lists of “best wines (or beers, or spirits,) for your zodiac sign,” but here at Alcohol Professor we’re digging deeper month-by-month and rounding up all the spirit beverages for each sign individually.

Why start with Scorpio, then, neither the beginning or the zodiac nor the beginning of the year? Have you ever met a Scorpio? (Right now all the Scorpios are thinking, “yeah, why shouldn’t we be first?” Second only to Leo, Scorpios possibly have the most zodiacal self-satisfaction.) Because a girl doesn’t want to get stung, that’s why. And Scorpio season, with all its complicated, sensual, enigmatic, intense energy, sure does make for some interesting beverage choices.

So with that, I offer 5 beverages with Big Scorpio Energy to drink this month to honor the official season of the goth.

Wine: Tasmanian Wine

First things first, a beverage of any kind won’t have Scorpio appeal if it’s too run-of-the-mill. On the other hand, Scorpios need love, too, and don’t mind some familiar comforts now and then. Enter Tasmanian wine, a perfect intersection of the esoteric with the approachable. One of the southernmost wine regions in the world, Tasmania has a climate similar to Burgundy or Champagne in France and is producing many excellent still and sparkling wines utilizing those same varietals. Pinot Noir and chardonnay feature most heavily in Tasmanian wine, with some other familiar whites in the mix: riesling, pinot gris, and sauvignon blanc. Despite the approachability of wines made in Tasmania, however, the very word “Tasmania” evokes a certain devilishness befitting Scorpio season, and it just doesn’t hurt for a horoscope-based roundup that there’s a Tasmanian producer called Stargazer, either.

Beer: Sour IPA

Apropos to the often contrary nature of Scorpio, in the heart of pumpkin spice season lies the sign least likely to get on board with such a thing. (Routine- and comfort-loving Cancers, on the other hand, are blowing out their summer birthday candles wishing for pumpkin spice season to come sooner.) IPAs are definitely Scorpio spirit beer, with their I’m-not-sure-why-like-this-but-I-really-do vibe. And just to crank up the complexity a notch, because Scorpio will never let you have it easy, now’s a great time for a sour IPA such as Elysian’s Altered Contact Tart IPA, with its high-octane ABV and puckery citrus notes. Also? That artwork is the Scorpio-est.

Spirit: Absinthe

Scorpios are the human embodiment of the relationship status, “it’s complicated,” their push/pull energy keeping the mystery alive in every relationship. (Often the mystery being, “wait, is this a relationship?” No, I’m not bitter.) Speaking of mild bitterness, absinthe, with its storied past, “forbidden,” nature—even though it’s been legal in the U.S. since 2007—and allegedly hallucinogenic properties will also make you feel exactly like you are dating, (or whatevering-with,) a Scorpio. Absente Absinthe Refined was the first legal absinthe to be imported to the US after the ban and is made authentically from wormwood, authenticity being important to your Scorpio people. With a balanced, slightly minty flavor and overproof nature, it makes for an excellent cocktail, as well as an excellent excuse for persisting down the dimly-lit Scorpio relationship path despite knowing better.

Non-Alcoholic: Black coffee

I’d sooner believe Scorpios are brushing their teeth with Scotch than believe they’d take to any of the non-alcoholic “spirits” flooding the market lately. So let it be black coffee then, for Scorpio: authentic, edgy, goth. Did you know that more US presidents have been Scorpios than any other sign? All that ambition calls for grit; and caffeine.

Also, check out this witchy, “zodiac arrest” Scorpio coffee mug if you’re still in need of a Scorpio birthday present.

Rocky’s Stinger courtesy of Keith Waldbauer

Cocktail: Stinger

Admittedly, this is mostly irresistible wordplay, but still on-brand for Scorpio. (Stinger? Scorpion? Everyone cool?) The loveable gas lighters of the zodiac are exactly the kind of people who would order this classic brandy and creme-de-menthe cocktail without pretense, like “what’s the big deal?” and we’ve all been drinking them regularly since prohibition.

For a modern re-imagining of the Stinger cocktail, try Rocky’s Stinger, care of Keith Waldbauer, Bar Director of Seattle’s The Doctor’s Office.

2.5 oz Pierre Ferrand 1840 Cognac

.5 oz Giffard Menthe Pastille

2 dashes Angostura bitters

Stir and strain over a large rock

Love zodiac-inspired food and beverage content? Check out our sister site Cheese Professor’s Scorpio suggestions in the Zodiac and Cheese feature.